DON'T BE THAT PERSON
If ever there was a universal truism, it would be “Strange things happen at the drive-in movies.” A friend reminded me of this fact when she recounted her own recent drive-in disaster. It was one I hadn’t heard before.
She attended a Toronto International Film Festival drive-in screening (thanks to COVID-19, in-theatre shows were not possible). She drove her recently purchased Audi. Everything went fine until it was time for the film to begin. Like many new cars, this one had headlights that worked automatically, turning on when darkness fell.
I’m not exactly sure what happened. Perhaps her daytime running lights (DRL) would not dim even if the engine was turned off? Perhaps her main headlights would not turn off if she had her battery running the radio? Regardless, try as she might, she could not make her headlights go out. They blazed stubbornly, illuminating the cars before her and ruining the experience for all present. She had no idea how to turn them off. She was hit with a barrage of honking horns. The situation reached peak embarrassment when a man approached the car, asked her to roll down her window and said, “I want you to know that everyone here hates you.”
Eventually, she deduced how to extinguish the offending headlights but not before the psychic mortification was complete. “You should do a column on drive-in etiquette,” she suggested.
I could, I thought, or I could do one on the fact that I also have no idea how to turn my headlights off. They just come on and off automatically.
A list of drive-in etiquette would be pretty short:
- Don’t bring your own food.
- Know how to turn off your lights.
A list of the reasons I don’t know how to turn off my headlights would be shorter:
- I’m lazy and lack an inquisitive mind.
Not knowing how to turn off your lights is not as rare an occurrence as one might think. In fact, all sorts of lights – dashboard, parking, interior – go on and off automatically when someone opens a door. If you have the hatchback open, they’ll stay on all night. It’s so prevalent that in 2019, The Wall Street Journal reported that Rick Cohen, owner of the five-screen, 1,500-car Transit Drive-In in Buffalo, “bought four Segways at $6,000 each so employees can help customers with lights, radios and hatches faster. If there are 1,000 to 1,200 cars at a busy Saturday showing, he estimates a third will need help turning off their lights.”
It’s frequent enough that many drive-in theatres flag it as a problem. The website driveinmovie.com offers this advice: “Know how your lights work and how to turn them off before you get to the drive-in. Most new cars have lights that stay on for certain periods of time after the vehicle is stopped. Others have interior lights that remain on while there is a door or hatch that is open. Make sure to read your vehicle’s manual and know how to turn all of these off once the movie starts.”
Which leads us back to me and the fact that, after 18 months in my Mini Cooper Countryman, I have yet to thoroughly read its manual. I can get away with this ignorance because modern cars are what used to be called, in less enlightened times, “idiot-proof.” They are fully automatic and computerized. You don’t even have to insert a key to start the ignition anymore. They respond to voice commands and do things like adjust your windshield wipers according to the force of precipitation.
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You see, like many people who don’t know how to turn off their car’s lights, when it comes to technology, I am an early adopter. For about a day, I “adopt” the new technology and learn just enough to get by. Then I quit – early.
So, inspired (perhaps embarrassed is the better word) by my friend’s headlight mishap, I pulled out the 337-page Owner’s Manual and looked up the instructions. It wasn’t too complicated. The driver uses the Mini’s Central Information Device to select “Vehicle Settings,” then selects Lighting, Exterior Lights and, finally, Deactivate.
What did I learn from the whole experience? Simple.
My car is completely “idiot-proof,” except for when I get into it.
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